on air

::*:: i feel like a balloon ::*::

::*:: if i start flying, i'll fly towards your window... and will you let me in? ::*::



::*:: don't cry ::*::

::*:: it's ok really... i've survived fine... years i didn't know you... ::*::

::*:: that makes all the difference ::*::



::*:: you realise i don't switch on my speakers ::*::

::**:: i didn't buzz ::**::



::*:: i know... best place to be ::*::

::*:: anytime, anyplace... anyhow ::*::



::*:: past few days has just been a blur to me ::*::

::*:: ... is like just so amazing... ::*::

::*:: you feel like the day is never quite done ::*::

::*:: and time just swifts by ::*::



::***:: one day you will be with me all the time... that'll be just fine ::***::

long black

:: coffee :: conversation :: connectivity :: change :: cold :: chicken sandwich :: cash :: charge :: come again :: cappuccino :: couch :: caramel :: chocolate fudge :: cuteness :: cross :: cut :: chill :: cream :: cafe' latte :: cheese :: cake :: chew :: choice :: chairs :: computers :: cozy :: CPU :: chamomile :: ceylon supreme :: corner :: creamy frappe :: cigar aficionado :: colada :: cow ::

picture a smile

it's funny how things make you smile when you least expect it. i was having a very "bleah" morning when i suddenly came across a picture. it brought a spontaneous smile and a laugh, and i felt that the day might not be so bad after all...

all in a name

you know, i never knew how much went into a name. as in a person's character, personality, etc.

but what was i suppose to expect if someone is called fang? i should've known that i'd get bitten at some point! muzzle please?

it's amazing how much time and effort people put into talking about someone they haven't seen in yonks or had any dealings with. and yet they seem to have a million opinions and things to say.

you can say i've been bitched, in more ways than one! :P hah.

but it's alright... this person has too much angst and issues for me to even waste my time on. but yes, she does deserve some time on my blog because i now feel it is very IMPORTANT what you name your kids. it tends to show in character (at times that is, not saying it applies all the time).

names can bite! *grin*

::*:: *** ::*::

::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*::

::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*::

::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*::

::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*::

::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*::

::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*::

::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*::

::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*::

::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*::

::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*:: ::*::

brand new day - hope

You know how sometimes you wake up and you feel hope? Hope that today will be a good day... that today will be the start of better things to come... that maybe things will start looking up.

You wake up to the sun rising, feeling the first draft of daylight on your face... The promise.

When there is hope, there is expectation. Does having expectations open yourself up to the possibility of being disappointed? Is it better to not have hope... so that then you can't be disappointed if the day doesn't quite turn out as you hoped it would? It's quite a chicken and egg situation ain't it?

Hope is a standing in between possibilities and disappointment.

Let's just look at possibilities or we would never ever want to get out of bed.

i give up

nothing i say, will mean anything.
nothing i feel, will be anything.
nothing i do, will be enough.

anything i say, will mean nothing.
anything i feel, will be nothing.
whatever i do, will be nothing.

life suxs this minute

where do you get the strength from to carry on when all you want is not to exist?

where do you go from here when life gets you so down you don't want to get up?



i want to run... i want to go somewhere no one knows me, by face or by name. i don't mind starting all over again, because it already feels like i have nothing.

i want to be completely cared for. but as i say that i realise that i had that option but chose not to take it. to be waited on hand and foot. not having to do anything and at the same time given everything. the only problem was that i would have to love the person doing all that for me... and i couldn't.

call it moral stupidity or just plain stupid. it's what some people search for all their lives - to be loved completely, utterly, unconditionally. but then again, the pain and complications weren't worth it. for me.



i'm too nice. not. sorry for those of you who think i am. i've been the bitch, the heart-breaker, the liar, the player, the manipulator, the schemer, the traitor, the conspirator, and the all-round fuck up.

nothing is as it seems. i definitely am not. don't mistake me for otherwise. as easy as it is to be deceived, think that i am that good at covering up. the core of me is hollow. life ripped everything out and left a void.



intelligence is not a gift, it's a weapon.

utterly relieved

It truly is a miracle the difference a day makes.

PHILIP Gyroscan T10-NT Powertrak 1000 - that was the Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI) machine they used.

Mom is claustrophobic. Major. The first time they tried putting her into the machine she panicked and didn't want to do the scan. I had to be 'partially' in the machine with her, holding her hand, my head on hers.. telling her to breathe, relax and that everything will be alright. It's a killer on the shoulder and back 'coz you're literally standing at a 60-70 degree angle for half an hour. Mom had a killer grip on my fingers and any slight movement from me resulted in a whimper of fear from her.

Mom was brokedown crying after the MRI was done 'coz she was so afraid. She was shivering for the next hour before consulting the doctor with her MRI results. Fear feeds on fear. Truly.

Mom's results turned out alright. She at most has to go for a minor op to remove the tissue on her leg. It's a far cry from a full-blown bout of cancer. It was like a reason to celebrate after the stress that had us all on the edge. Before seeing the doctor, even my aunt shed a tear to see my mom so afraid. I knew it was silly, but we all felt the fear. It really was that extreme.

Relieved. Relieved. Relieved.

Life Goes On...

sunday's round

:: i-jiro :: pink :: 105.7 :: ring :: mist :: crowd :: mcdon-don's :: upstairs :: angel :: sugarbun :: guardian :: phone booth :: fries :: strawberry milkshake :: m&ms :: Paul :: Steve :: past :: i cry just a little, try to hurt just a little more :: insatiable :: crossing roads :: mcclient florist :: 7-11 :: vanilla coke :: bread :: condensed milk :: biscuits :: money :: pieces of me :: cinderella story :: park :: pendant :: seats down :: marry me :: i don't want you to ever leave my heart :: empty days :: empty year :: cherry pink apple blossom white :: waiting for you to return :: distraction :: lost :: passion :: tears :: goodbyes :: home :: lights :: log on :: away :: abc :: def :: ghi :: jkl :: jklm :: blahhh :: tired ::

babble

:: caramel corn :: bunny :: hic-cups :: international call :: cuteness :: organic nuts biscuit :: famous amos cookies :: "if you turned around to kiss me, i'd kiss you back" :: manja-ness :: giggles :: more more more :: cuddle :: missing :: NZ :: kidnap :: jump :: field :: double cheese naan :: adultnap :: time :: love :: nasi kandar pelita :: ice-cream :: bubble tea :: vanilla without bubbles :: warm :: hugs :: distance :: loa :: waiting :: piggie :: patience :: phone :: fruits :: work :: kidding :: decisions :: choices :: moomoo :: sleep :: car :: tumb drive :: sweater :: movie :: funny :: squeezed :: wishing :: sigh :: questions :: talking :: honey :: urgh :: bath :: hot shower :: hmpfff :: water's sexy :: bully :: Walter :: merajuk :: teasing :: house keys :: mobile :: shine :: torch-light :: identity card :: qq bear :: smells :: owh :: emoticons :: 2(QQ) :: personal :: mwah :: IOU :: red :: keri noble :: pout :: cry :: sayang :: lavender :: mouse :: pictures :: memories :: stuff :: with or without you :: bed :: thinking :: innocence :: comfort :: bluff :: purple :: heart :: clock :: trophy :: ribbons :: here there :: wood :: nah-ah :: hah :: la la la :: reading :: logging off ::

chit chat

I think it's funny how when parents (or the older generation) start talking about an illness, they start comparing their friends who've had heart attacks, cancer, strokes, gall-bladder infections, etc... Then there are the ones who made it and ones who didn't.

I'm sitting there wondering to myself "how is this making mom feel any better?" If I was going through something like this, I sure as heaven won't want to hear about other people kicking the bucket!

I'm sure there's a long list of a friend who's third aunt's fifteenth nephew that has some degenerative disease or another. Point is, maybe there's never a right time to talk about things like this. Except at a funeral.