That Which Is Within

The past can still hurt you. Not directly but merely from old mails that you've "stumbled" upon again.

Let me detract a little... It was just yesterday that she commented that I only write when I'm upset or hurt, basically when the emotions are negative. :P Which if you think about it, is true for most writers. They can really churn out stuff when then are on a downward huff. Which brings me to the reason of my writing this entry.

It's not that I'm upset or angry or anything of the sort. But it's still not a positive feel, I know. It brought back thoughts and emotions I'd rather have kept buried but at the same time it's a good reality check. Past events, experiences, heartaches..... they have inevitably shaped, me.

If I were to still dwell on what's happened, I reckon I'd be in a constant state of paranoia. There was (and is) so much negativity, maliciousness out there in the world.

I know I am safe. I know she will not let anything happen to me, but you just can't help feeling scared too. I thought I was safe, I thought nothing could break me, I thought I was strong enough. And I thought wrong. It's a wonder that I am even able to have anything right now. Maybe I'm just a fool that way. Still optimistic when life has shown me that I have been tested to the limits.

You may not know this, but it halted my life for a long time. I couldn't see past a lot of things. My life was literally "on hold." That moment stayed, that fear preyed. I was broken.

In all honesty, it's only the past year, since the beginning of 2005 that my life has begun to remove itself from the events of 2002. That I am able to feel alright about myself again. They took so much, and it's my fault for letting them. But having said that, there was also nothing I could do about it. When something keeps chipping at you, it will start to wear away eventually. It took over 2 years but yes, they succeeded. They tore down my "self".

I am only starting to build it up again... although there's still so much insecurity. Not because of anything but because of the amount of emotional, psychological and mental abuse I took in. I do not have the self-esteem I once had, but I hope to get it back. I do not have the self-worth that I had, but I'm trying to work on it.

A lot of me has been defined by the one I was with. They were my everything. But I've also recently realised that not everyone works that way, not everyone makes one person their world. After having been that way for 7 years, the re-programming kinda takes a while. Not everyone is comfortable with someone relying on them so much and I guess it also depends on what their path has been so far. When someone already has so much to deal with, the last thing you wanna do is add to that. It's almost like having a pillar but not daring to lean on it. :P Especially when the pillar may not be there one day.....

Life is a sacred journey tempered with a cycle of change.

Attitude is the key to resiliency.